Reflections and Heartaches

The end of one year and the beginning of another usually brings much rejoicing and peace to people. They feel they can leave all the bad stuff behind and start fresh with the New Year. I would normally agree with this and in past years have felt much the same way. It’s always good to be positive and hopeful. Last year wasn’t the greatest and this year so far isn’t shaping up to be much better. There is no calmness, no peace of mind, no joy. All I feel right now is stress and worry. Fearing the unknown. I know I really shouldn’t, but those underlying fears are always present and on occasion, it rears its ugly head.

As most know, last year my Mother was diagnosed with ALS. We spent most of the year making memories and dealing with the fact that she is dying. We lived and tried to make her days as happy as possible. Not always easy to do when you’re a realist and you know what’s going to happen. We were blessed when she made it past the time she was given. In June we were all told that she may only make it 2 months, 3 at most. Well, here we are a new year and she definitely has made it further than what was expected. We are all so happy and blessed to still have her with us. The hard part though is watching her health decline as rapidly as it is. She may still be here with us, but she is trapped in a body that is paralyzed. She can’t talk either and is in constant pain. I hate seeing her like this and I hate knowing she is in so much pain and there isn’t anything I can do to help. Medications only help so much.

However, she has been moved out of Hospice care and into a long term care facility and after a rough transition, is doing much better. She’s more settled and isn’t doing as bad as she was when she first moved in. This is where she will be now until her time with us comes to an end. We’re still hoping that’s a long time from now, but we also have to remain realistic. That could happen at any given time. Now that we’re into 2016, that gives us another 12 months of worrying. I hope and pray it’s not this year, but sadly it is a possibility.

The holidays weren’t the same for us this year. The feelings that it usually brings just wasn’t there. We tried. Even decorated the house and put up a tree. I just didn’t feel it though. I don’t think anyone did. Of course, it doesn’t help when your landlord tells you close to the end of November that he’s selling his house and wants us out by December 22nd, December 15th preferably, so he and his family can move in. Less than a month to find a place and have the money to move. That’s first month’s rent, damage deposit, and pet deposit. Not even close to being possible. We made the phone calls that we had to and told him that he was in the wrong and for what he wants, has to give a 2 month notice to move. At the end of November, that is what we got. So now we have until the end of January to find a place and move. It is never easy to move during the holidays, even more so just after the holidays. If this was spring, it would be much easier! December 14th he has his realtor email my husband and tells him the landlord has bought a new house and that we don’t have to move. We’re happy about this but request a one year lease instead of a month to month. We also request to have the windows fixed in the basement. As a landlord it is his responsibility to have these repairs made. A week later we get another email from his realtor letting us know that he’s decided to sell the house and that we now have until February 5th to move. He just bought this house in September and now doesn’t want to put the money into it to fix. Then why buy it to begin with? The deal between old and new landlords was that we didn’t have to move. That agreement was broken and now here we are.

My husband is a landscaper but by the end of November he usually goes on winter layoff. He’s also a security guard but there isn’t much full time work available. Its shift work and that really doesn’t help much when you’re having to save for a move, plus pay bills, gas, groceries, and parking at the care home. He’s been so stressed that he ended up in the hospital with chest pains two days in a row. We were so worried and scared that it was his heart. Thankfully that was not the case. Anxiety has plagued both our lives last year and this whole moving business has not helped either of us. For the most part I have been able to keep my own anxiety at bay but it’s not easy. As the days go by and we don’t find a place, the more my anxiety grows. I have fears of us living in our van by February 5th with all our animals. It terrifies me to be honest. Last month my family and I, along with some very cool people put together a holiday meal and some warm clothes/shoes for the homeless. As I was handing those out, it occurred to me that if we don’t find something soon, we could be the ones on the receiving end.

Needless to say, it’s been a rough 2015 and so far 2016 isn’t any better. I’ve had to create a GoFundMe campaign just to get some help with saving for a home for me and my family. Hopefully combined with whatever my husband makes this month, and whatever I get, we’ll be able to find a place to call home. I will post a link here and if you can find it in your hearts to help us, we would truly appreciate it!

I will try to find my happy place and see our dream come true. I will push my fears down and not listen to them. Right now, that is all I can manage. One day at a time right? Mom isn’t going anywhere any time soon, so my focus will be on finding a home and moving. We WILL find a place. I have to keep repeating that or I will end up at the hospital, alongside my husband.

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